Mental Notes
by Special Agent FUNK
Summary: Diaries are fun to keep, Wesker has one aswell. Instead of using pretty words to describe his feelings, he will jot down random thoughts through-out the day. Let's take a look at his thoughts.
1. Keep your pants on

**Long AN, I am sorry, will only happen in chappie 1.  
****I've been wanting to do this, but never did because... Well, I forgot. O_O'**

This is inspired by my 'Diary Of a Deadman', 'Hidden Secrets' and a few chapters of the '101 WWE-ficlets' fanfics. (In the Wrestling section)  
Said fics were inspired by the diaries of Georgia Nicholson. For some stupid reason I can't seem to remember the author of those books because I haven't read them in years. Just google.

**I'll be working on this while I try to write the next chappies to Flexi and Meine Freunde.**

**Full summary;** Diaries are fun to keep, so everyone in the Resident Evil Universe has one aswell. Instead of using pretty words to describe their feelings, they will jot down random thoughts through-out the day. Let's take a look at the things they have written in the past few years, shall we?

**Note;** Some characters, like Mr. Resident Evil Albert Wesker, will have more entries than just one.  
These are one-shots. Smal spinoff from Meine Freunde, but can be read seperately.

**Warnings for the whole series;** Mild language, mild sexual references, whole lot of CRACK, OOC. (I warned you!) **I DON'T OWN RE.**

**Enjoy.**

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**Chapter 1; A different side of Wesker.**

**  
January 20, 2003.**

**05:15  
**I'm still in bed but I woke up because I have to pee. I don't want to get up, so I'm trying to think of a solution here...

**05:20  
**There's only one thing I can do to prevent myself from having to get up, and I don't think it's that great of an idea... Because I would still have to get up, and on top of that, clean my damn sheets.

I wish life was a little easier on me sometimes.

**05:30  
**Perhaps I should call Jack and have him come over, carry me to the bathroom, and when I'm done with my business, have him carry me back. He's always telling me that he'd do anything I ask of him, because I gave him a better life.  
Though I must say, Jack is insanely hard to wake up for some reason, so by the time he's here, I'll have to make a run for it in order to prevent certain accidents from happening.

**05:35  
**I wonder who else on this planet writes about having to pee, but not wanting to get up. This diary better stay secret, or people might think of me as a ridiculous man. Wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?

No, we would not.

**05:37  
**I had the strangest dream, by the way. I was at the train-station, in my pajamas, and I was looking for photographs. The photos were hidden inbetween the bicycles, so I couldn't get my hands on them.  
After moving every damn bicycle out of my way, I grabbed the photos, stole a bike and rode off, still in my pajamas. I was cycling faster than the cars, but I wasn't watching where I was going, so I ended up cycling right into a swimmingpool.

I don't understand this dream, and I hope it didn't mean anything. I don't quite like bicycles, I still own that one moped I got years ago. 'Al's Moped of Doom', remember?

**05:45  
**Fine, I'll get up! I will leave my warm bed and fluffy pillows behind, and I will do something about the fact that nature keeps calling. Then I will make something to eat, take a shower, do my hair, get dressed and make an attempt to get to work in time.  
I'm saying 'in time', because it's raining, and my car is broken, so I will have to wait for the rain to blow over, since I refuse to get wet. Wesker does not get wet, remember?

Someday I hope to find a way to control the weather. That would make my life a lot easier.

**06:00  
**I'm eating only red and pink food today, because according to my horoscope, that will do me good. I wonder how people can get through the day on only tomatoes, cotton candy, bubblegum and red peppers. Oh, and pudding. Good thing I like pudding.

**06:12  
**That damn cat ate all of my pudding! It's always the same old song. You turn your back on a cat, and before you know it, they cause chaos and destruction in a matter of only seconds. Damn cat needs to start listening to me, or I will...

I will...

Oh, who am I kidding? I could never kill Mr. T, I adore him too much.

**06:45  
**I look great today. I look great everyday, but for once I felt like writing it down. Black on white, it's official, Wesker is a stud.

**06:56  
**Logged on to check my e-mail. Every single day when I log in, I see I have about ten unread messages, and about six of them are usually from the Redfield-bastard.  
I know that is odd, but it appears Chris has a drinking problem, and every single time he is drunk, he tends to e-mail me. You'd expect hate-mail, death threats and insults, but no. It's worse.

I will jot one or two down here, so you can see what I am talking about. (Eh, wait, who is 'you', anyway? Believe me, if 'you' are reading my diary, there will be hell to pay! Better put the notebook down before I come over and make 'you!'. I mean it!)

_From; XtopherRedfield  
__To; AlbertsGunnaKillYa  
__Subject; They're HERE!_

_WEKSER! Dood! Did ya hear teh newz? They're comin'! They are comin'! And fast! Faster than a caterpillar on rollerblades with a firecracker up its ass!  
OH haha, I said 'ass'. Oops!  
__I'm sorry, I won't cuss again! :D  
__Love,  
__X_

See what I mean? I find that a lot more disturbing than 'I know where you are, better watch your back'.  
I do also wonder who is 'coming'. I hope it's not Chris himself, because that would be a plain gross detail to share with me.

**07:10  
**Oh, would you look at that... This is what happens if the Redfield's sister finds out Chris has been e-mailing me again.

_From; Claire  
__To; AlbertsGunnaKillYa  
__Subject; I apologize..._

_... For the behavior of my brother. I don't know what he was talking about when he said 'they are coming', but I'm guessing he was seeing things again. You know, things that aren't actually there.  
__I know it's annoying how he keeps e-mailing you, but don't worry! I'm trying to get him to go to rehab.  
__Sadly enough every time I mention that, he stares at me, grabs a hairbrush and starts singing 'they try to make me go to rehab, I said, no, no, nooo'.  
__I'll find a way to deal with him! Until then, please refrain from killing him. You should fight him when he is in the right frame of mind._

_Claire._

**07:30  
**I should get to work... It's still raining though. I could bring an umbrella, but then my pants would still get wet, because they're a bit too long, therefore touch the ground when I am walking.

**07:35  
**Perhaps I should wear shorts today?

**07:41  
**Am wearing shorts. Black shorts, of course. I stuffed my pants in my briefcase and I will put them back on when I arrive at my office. The only thing I can do right now is pray I don't run into anyone I know. I don't look that bad in shorts, but I'm pretty sure it is to be considered 'insane' to wear shorts when it's pretty chilly outside, and raining cats and dogs.  
Now all I have to do is put Mr. T on a leash, and I'll be ready to go. I just hope T won't try to make a run for it when he sees my umbrella, since he's damn afraid of it. I still don't understand why, it must be a cat-thing.

**08:30  
**Ah, I am finally at the office, and so far, nobody has seen me yet. Well, nobody except for that young woman near the bus-stop, that yelled 'I wear short shorts!' at me when I passed her.  
I felt the need to smack her with my briefcase, but I couldn't. You see, T's leash was in the same hand, because I was also carrying an umbrella. And well, had I smacked her, T would've ran off, and chaos would've been inevitable.

**08:34  
**I just saw HUNK appear out of nowhere, so now I am hiding in the cafeteria, because I didn't have a chance to get changed yet. I pray he doesn't find me here, for seeing a man in shorts, carrying an umbrella and walking around with a cat on a leash, must be a strange sight at the least.

Then again, seeing said man hiding underneath a table must be even stranger.

**09:00  
**I made it! I am in my own office, with the door locked, and nobody I know has seen my short shorts.

I just pulled my pants out of my briefcase, and they currently look like they haven't been ironed in three years. That's just great, I'll look like a rich hobo for the rest of the day. Unless I keep my shorts on, in which case I'll look like a dumbass.

Both choices do not appeal to me at all.

**09:07  
**Calling the Krauser...

"Jack!" I yelled when my loyal employee answered my call. "I need your help, for I look like a rich hobo!"

Jack snickered. "You know, a lot of hobos would love to look rich, I'm sure."

"You must come here and iron my pants, please." I said 'please', because I doubt he would iron anything otherwise. "Also, if you could get me some coffee, that would be great."

"Iron your pants? Sir, I don't think that would be a good idea, I might burn you!"

I raised an eyebrow. "Jack, I will not be in the pants while you iron them... That would be ridiculous."

"Oh... Oh, okay." Jack fell silent, which usually means he is eating something, or thinking really hard. "Can't you ask HUNK to do it?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because it's HUNK. He only listens to me when I make him kill, destroy or burn something. It's what he does." I sighed. "Come on Jack, my pants look awful, you must iron them for me, that is an order!"

"Okay, fine."

Jack hung up, he should be here soon. I do hope so, anyway, for I have to attend a meeting in an hour, and I must look somewhat presentable. I doubt Tricell will like me if I look like a hobo, no matter how rich that hobo would be.

**09:49  
**I am very glad I wasn't wearing the pants while the Krauser ironed them. He definitely would've left a mark, as he burned a hole straight through the fabric.

I'm awfully annoyed right now, but I decided to just follow plan B. I had Jack take his pants off, and put them on myself. I can't go to a meeting with a hole in my pants, that would look too unprofessional. So I'm wearing Krauser's jeans. They're a bit on the big side, but with a belt I should manage to keep them from falling off.

**11:30  
**That meeting was awful.

**11:50  
**I do not wish to talk, write or even think about it.

**12:23  
**Stupid belt. Stupid pants. Stupid Krauser. Stupid rain.

If it had been dry when I left my house, I wouldn't have stuffed my pants into my briefcase. Krauser wouldn't have created a hole in them. I'd never worn Krauser's jeans. They wouldn't have fallen down because of a belt-malfuntion. Miss Gionne would not have seen my boxers in full glory.

Now I'll never be able to use her as a high-level asset, mainly because she has almost seen my 'asset', so right now she probably thinks I am a retard.

**13:00  
**You know, my IQ? Far over 150.

Still, I did lose my pants over it.

**13:09  
**Might aswell try to get some work done, there's no use feeling bad about the things that happened during the meeting. I should just look at the bright side of it... At least everyone knows I have a very tight ass.  
That's important too, you know?

**14:00  
**Some of the people that work here have written a song. It is called 'Wesker's pants', and it goes like this;

'Wesker's pants are falling down, falling down, falling down. Wesker's pants are falling down, oh how funny'.

It's like London Bridge is falling down, but with better lyrics.

**14:32  
**Come to think of it... It's a lot worse when my pants fall down, than when a bridge falls down. A bridge can be rebuilt, my -bad- first impression on Tricell will last forever.

**15:00  
**Sitting outside in Jack's pants, making Jack cut the grass near the office. He must pay for the hole in my pants, and what better way to make him pay, than by making him mow the lawn in his underwear?

You tell me.

Or no, don't. If 'you' tell me, that means you have been reading my diary, and if I see you do that, you won't have enough time to tell me anything. If you read this, you will be disposed of.

**15:12  
**Trying to find out where the hell Spencer is hiding out these days. I could ask Sergei, but I doubt he would tell me. All Sergei ever says when I call him is 'Comrade Wesker, Santa Clause does not live in Russia, so stop calling'.  
I don't know why he says that, though. Must be a Russian thing.

I should dispose of him. Hnnnn. I will later this year.

**17:00  
**Time to go home. I didn't do a lot of interesting or useful things today, but at least I didn't leave too early either. That damn Organization should be content.  
Also, I am going out tonight, which is something that hardly ever happens, as I am usually a little too busy doing other stuff, like playing heavy metal on my piano.

No piano tonight though, for Wesker is going to see heavy metal live and in concert.

**18:00  
**Good thing I always wear black. All I have to do is replace my black sweater with a bandshirt, and I'm good to go. I think I might keep Jack's jeans on, because according to HUNK, jeans are very metal.  
I'll wear suspenders though, to prevent any long-haired men from seeing my boxers, like Tricell did a few hours ago.

**18:15  
**Good, HUNK and Jack are here too, so I guess it's time to go. Thank God Jack put some new pants on, because I wouldn't have let him come along if he had been half-naked.  
Then again, we're going to a metal-concert, so I'm sure Krauser will get drunk and end up fully naked. I wouldn't be surprised, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, I will be back to writing when we're home, since I am not taking my damn diary with me. I don't think that would be a good idea, because if someone finds it, they will have it published, and then I would have to kill every single person who owns a copy of the book, or has read it.

**23:56  
**I am exhausted. I woke up shortly after five in the morning, and I can't go to bed yet. I had to let Krauser stay in my guestroom because he indeed got drunk. But rather than taking his clothes off, he is acting very emotional.  
I didn't know that man had feelings. It's kind of pathetic, grown men should never cry, and if they ever do, they should wear sunglasses so nobody sees them do it.

I should go check on him...

**00:12**  
Sitting in the guestroom, trying to figure out what exactly is the Krauser's problem. He keeps saying things about a hamster and his beret. I haven't got the slightest clue as to how those things are related. Krauser's sobbing is making it awfully hard to understand the context.

**00:17  
**"And the, the... hamster. A... Oh lord!" More sobbing. Krauser isn't just full of bullshit, he's also full of tears.

I shook my head and shrugged. I wish HUNK was still here, so he could keep an eye on his scarred comrade. I'm getting annoyed.

"I miss my mom! Oh Mutter, gib mir Kraft..."

"Oh for the love of God, Jack, please don't start being sad in German, that is even worse." I scowled, my German isn't that good, to be honest.

Jack stopped sobbing and stared at me, very intensely. It's not a very comforting sight, let me tell you that...

"Sir?" Jack asked.

I have a bad feeling about this... "Yes?"

"Can I have a hug?"

I stood up and stalked towards the door. "No, you cannot!"

"Please! I haven't been hugged in years..."

"Neither have I, and I intend on keeping it that way..." I heaved a sigh and walked to the closet. I opened it and pulled out a giant stuffed elephant. "Here, go cuddle with Al the Elephant." I gave the 'thing' to Jack. "Then go to sleep, it's late, good night."

**00:34  
**I feel kind of bad for the Krauser. I didn't know he was so emo. I do, however, know that I am not letting him drink again. Violence I can handle, crying I cannot.  
Well, I suppose it's time I went to bed too, because I am deadly tired from dodging crowdsurfers and worrying about my pants.

Good night, notebook. Good night.

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I still can't remember the author of those awesome books for kids, but I do remember the title of the first book! 'Angus, thongs and...' Oh hell, what came after that? Full-frontal snogging?

Eh. Reviews are appreciated, hardcore flames are frowned upon.

FUNK


	2. He's not the man he used to be

I was going to do several diaries from several characters, but... Screw that. This is for Wesker, and Wesker alone. ;) Some others will appear in this story anyway.

**I do not own RE.**

Thanks a lot for reviewing; **CarrieChaos, Ultimolu, AerisTifaYuffie, d-chan-67, riddlebox89, Jay Zero Snake, Zombiegirl2007, Nocturna-GVC and Prisonerksc2-303.**

Lovely strangahs, y'all rock my socks off. :3 Also thanks to those who have already added this crackfic to their favourites. :)

**Warnings; **This is a lot longer than I expected, so I had to delete some parts, and it was STILL long. I'm sorry.

**Enjoy! **

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**Chapter 2; Wesker is not the man he used to be.**

**February 14, 2005.**

**07:10  
**I woke up about half an hour ago, and cannot seem to figure out what day it is.

**07:15  
**Is it... Sunday? Or Monday? Tuesday? Or Wednesday? My calender has gone missing, the battery of my phone is empty, and I do not feel like walking to my computer or television just to figure out what day it is.

Perhaps I should call Krauser?

**07:19  
**Calling Krauser is rather hard when the battery of your phone is empty.

**07:27  
**I just spent several minutes staring at the clock, only to realize that my clock does not show what day it is, but only the date.

**07:30  
**Recharging the battery in my phone while looking through the newspaper. I need to read my horoscope, so I know what the stars have in store for me. If it's a really bad horoscope, then I will go back to bed.

It's Monday, by the way. Unless this is the newspaper from yesterday, because in that case it's Tuesday. But then my horoscope won't be correct, and I might end up going to work despite having a bad day.

**07:38  
**I am positively confused. Which is a negative thing. And I still didn't get dressed.

**07:39  
**Calling Krauser with my old phone, which was hidden underneath a pile of clothes in my closet. I love finding things back, it's like getting a present, except that you had it already?

**07:43  
**"Hallo?" Jack picked up only four minutes after I started calling him. Possibly a new record.

"Jack!" I muttered while still looking through the newspaper. "What day is it?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"No, it's a very serious question." I stated absent-mindedly. "Well?"

"It's the day after yesterday, and the day before tomorrow. That is, If Tomorrow Never Dies."

I looked up, confused. "If tomorrow dies, then the world will end today. But I thought the world was going to end The Day After Tomorrow."

"Well, no matter when the world will end, at least Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away."

"But suddenly, you're not half the man you used to be?" I frowned, this conversation wasn't getting me anywhere, and I still did not get dressed.

"There's a shadow hanging over me!" Krauser replied.

"Then I suggest you buy more lamps." I scowled and hung up on Jack. No matter how many times I would speak to that man, we'd never have a normal conversation. Quite annoying, let me tell you that.

Or no, let me not. Because that would mean 'you' are reading my diary again, and if that's the case, 'you' will die a horrible death. Not today though, because I don't know what day it is. You will die a horrible death tomorrow, if tomorrow never dies.

DAMN IT! My brain is starting to come up with nonsense. I must get dressed, perhaps that will help.

**07:47**

Took a shower, stood in front of the mirror for a whole minute, and pondered on whether to shave or not. I always shave, but if this proves to be a bad day, I might cut myself shaving again. I can't stand it when that happens, because people always ask questions about it.

**07:49  
**You know, they'll ask if I did it on purpose, as if I am one of those emo people.

**07:50**

Emo... Do emo guys not wear eyeliner?

**07:53  
**Starting to wonder what I would look like wearing eyeliner...

**08:00  
**I'm pretty sure my last girlfriend left some of her make-up here, because we broke up in a rather quick and painless way... Well, it was painless for me, anyway. I think she wouldn't agree with me here, but that's fine, as I haven't seen her in months anyway.

... Months eh, I need to get laid.

**08:34  
**It stings! For the love of God, it stings so badly! Eyeliner is a tool of a devil, I'm telling you! Stay off the eyeliner! My God, it stings!

**08:45  
**Washed my face about ten times in ten minutes, just to get the black stuff out of my eyes. I now know soap stings too, as does make-up remover.

I'm not the man I used to be.

**08:53  
**How do women put up with this madness? They wear make-up every day, risking getting eyeliner in their eyes. And then they shave their legs, risking gigantic cuts caused by a razor. Or waxing... I do not even want to think about what that would feel like.

I may not be the man I used to be, but I still am a man, that's for sure.

**09:00  
**Not only are my irises red, but the white of my eyes if currently red too. I look like a deranged zombie.

**09:06  
**If the things I wrote today ever got out... Oh, I don't want to think about the chaos it would cause.

**09:30  
**Sitting in my boxers, waiting for my computer to start up properly. I intend on finding out what day is, no matter what.

**09:31  
**HUNK called. I don't like it when people call me when I am in my boxers, it makes me feel awkward.

"What is it?" I answered my phone.

"Sir, why are you not here yet?"

I started to look for a blanket, so HUNK wouldn't see my naked chest. Uh... I mean hear my naked chest. Or... Never mind. "What day is it, Mr. Never Killed?"

"It's Monday, sir."

"Really?"

"Yes, and you are late..."

I nodded. "I know."

"Is there a good reason for you being late? Are you ill, sir? Or are you just not in the mood to do something productive today?" HUNK asked. "Or did you sleep in? Why would you sleep in on a Monday, sir? How come you didn't know what day it is? Is something the matter?"

I had no idea HUNK was capable of talking that much without actually saying anything. Usually he is silent and sane. Perhaps Jack infected him with his insanity? "I had a little accident." I muttered.

"Oh? How? Did you get hurt?"

I threw myself a glance in the mirror, say my bloodshot eyes and sighed. "I indeed got hurt."

"Do you need help? Will you be coming to work today?"

"Stop interrogating me!" I sneered. "I am your boss, I do not need to tell you where I am, or why I am not there!"

"Ghahaha... True."

Did HUNK just laugh? What the hell is going on today?! "Mr. Never Killed, I will be at work today, just a little later than usual. Now get your own ass back to work before I come over and make you."

"Okay."

HUNK hung up on me. He's the only person bold enough to hang up before I get the chance to do so first. I once hit him in the head for doing that, but he always wears that damn helmet, so it didn't really help.

**10:00  
**I'm actually wearing clothes now, which was about time... I've found out that it is indeed Monday, and am currently reading my horoscope. It says I'm only allowed to eat green food today, and that I need to stay away from those who know my name.

I do wonder why? I mean, there is nothing wrong with my name, so I don't see why anything bad could happen with it. Perhaps it means I will get into a fight today?

If that is the case, then this is to be considered a good day, therefore I am going to work.

**10:07  
**On my way to work, but stopped to write something down. A girl with wool in her hair just ran up to me, petted Mr. T without getting killed, and wished me a good day.

I need to find this woman and marry her, for nobody has ever been able to pet Mr. T without almost getting killed yet.

**10:18  
**Mr. T likes nothing more than playing with my gloves, but he does have a second hobby. I like to call it 'Messing with Nature', in which he chases dogs around until they jump into their owner's arms.  
He's quite good at it, I must say. But it has gotten me in trouble so many times, the cops now make me put T on a leash.

... As if that would stop him.

**10:25  
**At work. I just noticed Jack was eyeing me. I think he's up to something, but that man has a brain so insane, I can never seem to figure out what he is up to, until it's too late.

Perhaps my horoscope was telling me to stay away from Jack?

**10:31  
**I'm eating green M&M's. I do hope they count as green food, because I don't feel like eating a salad right now.

**10:34  
**Suddenly felt the need to call Sergei and harass him a little bit. I have to, because he tends to wander through life, thinking nothing can hurt him. He needs to be reminded of my presence on this planet.

"Ohai, colonel." I muttered while watching T hiss at HUNK.

"Comrade Wesker... Have you decided to remind me of your presence?"

"Why yes, by asking you where the hell Spencer is hiding out these days..."

Sergei grunted. He grunts a lot, must be a Russian thing. "I do not know where Spencer is, and you don't have to either... I know what you want from him, and you're not getting it."

I frowned. He knows? I don't even know myself! "Really? What I do want, then?"

"You want his address."

Uhm... "Well of course, why else would I ask 'where is Spencer'?"

"I don't know." Sergei stated. He seemed confused. Even more than on other days. Perhaps he too had a problem figuring out what day it is?

"It's Monday!" I told him. "You should only eat purple food, according to your horoscope."

Silence. He appeared to be busy.

"What are you doing, Sergei?"

"I'm busy..." Sergei stated absent-mindedly. "I just fed my pet."

I glanced at T, who was eyeing my tea. I bet he's going to try and knock over the mug. "Really? What kind of pet?"

"He's called 'The Dude'."

"What kind of pet, colonel?"

"Oh? Oooohhh... Well, a ferret."

... I decided to hang up on Sergei.

**10:46  
**Jack just came in to provide some entertainment I never even asked for. Now I usually like it when Jack stops by, but not this time... He has a new hobby. It involves singing a song, but replacing random words with people's names, making the songs instantly ridiculous.

"Wesker, oh-oh-oooooh... Didn't mean to make you cry, if I'm not back again this time tomorrow... Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters..." Krauser sang, obviously with Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody' on his mind.

I nodded. "I will make sure to do that."

"Proud and free, a will made of steel. Our hearts are as pure, as the silence of the night... We are brothers of Wesker, united in fight. 'Cause Wesker, is our law..."

I liked that song a lot, until he continued his line with 'Heavy Wesker!'. Apperantly changing the word 'metal' into 'Wesker' isn't always a good idea. So I punched him in the face. "Jack, I am a sexy man, and not heavy whatsoever!"

**10:59  
**Kicked Jack out, for he was starting to annoy me. 'Wesker up that hill' really didn't do the trick. You can't replace the word 'running' with 'Wesker', because Wesker never runs. He just walks fast, in a way that tends to frighten other people.

**12:00  
**Lunch with HUNK while carefully avoiding Jack and his new hobby. I now understand my horoscope and the part that stated I had to stay away from people who know my name.

HUNK is a bit on the silent side today. Well, technically he is always a bit on the silent side, but today it seems a lot worse. Perhaps something is troubling him? But what? It must have something to do with his gas mask, his goggles, his gun or his hair.

"Mr. Never Killed, what seems to be the problem?"

HUNK looked up. He actually looked sad, which is a new thing to me. "It's V-day."

"Excuse me?"

"Valentine's day, sir..."

I nodded. "Oh, indeed it is. And...?"

"I'm a hunk, it even says so on my ID-card. I'm a hunk, yet nobody has sent me a postcard, e-card or cute text-message, stating they like me." HUNK sighed. "And normally, I already get those in the week before V-day."

"So you're not feeling very loved?" This was confusing me, as HUNK doesn't give a damn about what other people do, think or say.

I suddenly felt the urge to jump up, run to my computer and see if someone sent me an e-card or something. I'm a hunk too, so I bet at least someone is into me.

"Exactly."

"Don't you think that's because all girls that know you have already tried to lure you into their webs, and they all ended up being glared at?"

HUNK nodded. "I know that, but now I feel all sad, because there is nobody to glare at today. Not even Jack, who usually sends everyone an e-card on special days."

I snickered. "If you want to glare at Jack, be my guest."

HUNK shot me a glare. "You're not taking me seriously." He muttered. "Nobody ever does!"

... The man just stormed off. Jack is singing, Sergei has a ferret and HUNK is acting emotional. What on earth is going on here?

**13:01  
**Behind my computer, reading my e-mails. Some are rather nice, I must say.

_From; Alexia Ashford  
__To; AlbertsGunnaKillYa  
__Subject; :)_

_Dearest Albert,  
__I am here, in your inbox, to tell you that I would like to get together. I think we should meet up again, and for once, not try to kill eachother. It is, after all, the day of Love. And on that day, one should not show their hatred. No, one should show their love.  
__The love I have for you is burning inside of me. It is also burning outside of me, but that's a completely different matter._

_Love,  
__Alexia._

Awww... That was rather nice, was it not? I wonder what she set on fire, though. I hope Alfred.

_From; XtopherRedfield  
__To; AlbertsGunnaKillYa  
__Subject; Bees, booze and breakdancing!!!!1!1_

_WEKSER!  
Did ya hear teh newz? I hope ya did, but if ya didn't, then here it is;  
__Teh bees had booze and are now breakdancing!  
Love,  
__X._

... I have no words for that. No good, and no bad ones.

_From; Claire  
__To; AlbertsGunnaKillYa  
__Subject; Once again..._

_my sincerest apologies for the behaviour of my brother. We tried to do an intervention, but when we told him about that, he asked us 'what did you invent then?' and then accidently shot himself in the knee with his handgun.  
__When we overpowered him, Barry sat down on his back and we waited for the 'men in white coats' to arrive. Chris heard us talk about that, and threw Barry off his back with a strength yet unknown to mankind.  
__It appears he is frightened of dentists.  
__... Please refrain from killing him until he is sane again.  
__Claire._

Sane again? Has that man ever been sane in the first place? His favorite line is 'Wesker... You're still alive!', closely followed by 'Wesker? You ARE alive!' and then 'WEKSER! Did ya hear teh newz?!1!!'.  
I sometimes worry about him.

_From; ThePowerKrauser  
__To; AlbertsGunnaKillYa, HUNK, LUUIIIS, MrMerchant, LeonsTheMan, SaddlerBastard, MommaKrauser.  
__Subject; JA! _

_OHAI!  
__Happy V-day, pals! Don't forget to wear clean underwear! You'll never know when Wesker will make you cut the grass without your pants on...  
__xXx Jack 'the Power' Krauser.  
__PS: Mom, coming home for Christmas this year. You told me to decide early, so... See you in 10 months! :D :D_

Okay, so I got two e-mails that involved V-day. That's not too bad, is it? Sad thing though that one came from a man who will be home for Christmas.

**15:05  
**I have been thinking for hours now, but I can't seem to figure out why the ladies aren't interested in me anymore. Is it my hair? I know it always looks the same, but I thought it fit me... Or is it the age? Sure, I am past forty, but I still look like I am in my thirties, right? It's one of the good things about my virus.

**15:09  
**Have decided to go on a date. Will find Jack now to set me up. He might be stupid, but he does have a nice taste in women, judging by the last time I saw him with his girlfriend.

**16:00  
**Jack signed me up for speed-dating. It means I have to talk to ten ladies, and I can talk to each lady for only one minute. Then, when the bell rings, I have to decide whether or not I want to have contact with said lady again.  
I'm not quite sure what to think of this, but I think having ten dates in ten minutes is more comfortable than having one date that lasts over two hours. I don't quite like the dating-process, as it takes so much time.

**17:00  
**Back home. I've only been at work for a little while, but I had to leave early, so I can freshen up before the stupid speed-dating thing. I refuse to get dressed differently though... I always wear a suit anyway, so at least I'll look sophisticated.

Hnnnn, Mr. T brought a friend. He always catches mice, brings them home, and then places them in front of me. I like how he brings me presents, but I am not quite happy about the fact that his preys are always still alive when he takes them into the house. T is a sadistic bastard.

... I'm so proud of him.

**17:08  
**My hair is in place (meaning I combed it... It's not like it ever leaves my head, or anything.), so I suppose it's time to go. My last glance in the mirror told me I am irresistible, so it won't be my fault if I come home alone. It will be the ladies'.

**18:00  
**Appears Jack signed himself up, too. I thought he had a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? Or a... I don't know, mutant-lover? It's Jack, you never you.

**18:03  
**"My girlfriend left me." Jack told me, even though I never asked.

"Oh?"

"Yeah... We went to the mall and ran into HUNK? So I yelled 'Hey, HUNK!' and she heard me?" Jack sighed. "She thinks I thought he was a hunk, so she left me because she didn't want to date a gay man."

I frowned. "How inconvenient."

Jack nodded. "I know... I'm so beating HUNK up tomorrow."

**18:31  
**Texted HUNK;  
_Better watch your back!_

**18:37  
**He texted back. That's fast!  
_I can't, my head won't turn that far..._

Hmmmmm... He's too smart for his own good.

**19:00  
**And it starts... I'm sitting at a little table, and the first woman just sat down in front of me. She doesn't look too bad, but I think she's a bit on the crazy side.

"Hi." I muttered.

"Hi!" The woman yelled. "I'm Kenny!"

"Kenny?"

Kenny nodded. "Yes!"

I'm already annoyed... I feel the need to do something that will cause everyone else to walk up to us and say 'Oh my God, they killed Kenny!'. I doubt that would leave a nice impression on the other ladies, though.

Might as well zone out for the rest of this 'date'. What to buy? Apples? They are green... Perhaps a new handgun, as my old one is starting to act up a lot these days. I don't mind anarchy, but I do want my weapons to obey.

**19:02  
**And here is number 2. Number 2 is gorgeous.

... I called her number 2, that's kind of gross. Haha. 'Here is number 2!'. I don't think that would be a good idea to do here... That would leave an even worse impression than killing Kenny.

If I dated her, I would always think of 'number 2' whenever I saw her, so I don't think this will work out... How sad.

**19:05  
**Number 3 and 4 were rather annoying. They both kept talking, and I don't think they even got my name. Of course I didn't introduce myself as 'Albert Wesker', but it would've made me happy if they had tried remembering my alias. It shows effort and respect.  
You better remember it though... Do not mess with Rudolf Von Megaherzenhausen, or you will have hell to pay!

Hehehe... When I glanced at Jack a minute ago, he was talking to a girl taller and bulkier than he is himself. I don't find it hard imagining how that relationship would work out. They would arm-wrestle over every argument, and Jack would never win.

... I sure hope I don't have to talk to her.

**19:07  
**Everything goes so fast around here! We had to take a small break, so we could get coffee, but that break lasted only two minutes. They should put that flyers too, if you ask me. Speed-dating, free speed-coffee and a speed-cookie included!

That sounded wrong, as I am aware of the fact that speed is a drug too. Oh no... Does that mean this dating-thing is only for people who use speed? No wonder the women don't make sense to me!

Huh, so Jack is on speed too? I will have him do a drug-test first thing tomorrow.

**19:10  
**Number 5 didn't even show up... Maybe she saw me, decided I was out of her league, and went to look for someone who looked a bit more like hobo? Or perhaps she suddenly realized she had left her lipstick in the car? Or maybe she already found the love of her life, and left with him?

No, impossible. You have to talk to all ten people, because you never know what you might miss out on. Missing out on Albert Wesker is probably one of the saddest scenarios imaginable to anyone.

Hnnn, do I sound a bit on the arrogant side today?

I'm not the man I used to be.

**19:13  
**"Hi. I'm Rudolf." I shook his hands with a rather pretty girl, but she seemed a bit too young for me.

"Hi! I'm Joey!"

"What is it with girls having boyish names these days? Did their parents really only wanted a son, or something?"

Joey shrugged. "How should I know?" She smirked. "Listen! Do you believe in zombies?"

I frowned. "Why, yes."

"Are you prepared?"

"For what, exactly?" I don't like where this is going.

"The zombie apocalypse, silly! I want a handsome man, but only if he knows how to shoot a gun! I don't care about the relationship-thing, to be honest. Mainly because I'm a lesbian, anyway. Haha." Joey started to stare at me. "You know how to shoot a gun?"

"N-no, I do not, I'm sorry." A lesbian? What the hell is she doing here, then? And the apocalypse? Sure, there will be one, but not caused by zombies...

"Bummer!"

Just as suddenly she appeared, she disappeared again.

I don't get women, and I have decided I'm sick of this stuff. I'm going home.

**19:40  
**Sitting in Jack's car, singing along with the radio. I think Jack actually did find a girl in there, because he is taking an awful lot of time to come outside. I hope he didn't end up taking 'number 2' with him. Or the lesbian. Or the body-builder woman.

**19:43  
**Ah, there he is! He is indeed with a woman... Well, I'm glad at least one of us will not have to be alone on this dreadful day. You know, the day after yesterday, when all my troubles seemed so far away.

Jack and his new lady entered the car. Good... Time to meet my friend's potential new girlfriend.

**19:49  
**Oh my God...

**19:54  
**One of these days, I swear, I will-kill-Kenny.

**20:00  
**Pen-problem! Do you see the stains in the corner? I did some scribblin' there. My pen is giving up on me, so I bett

* * *

It was OVER-5000!!!!! *Goes Kamehameha on chapter*  
Well... If you liked it... Ya know. And if not... Then I wonder why you read all 4000+ words. XD

FUNK


	3. Wesker needs a vacation

I´m updating this here because I don't know what else to write. Very annoying. Anyway, something popped into my head, so here it is.  
I've been too addicted to DeviantART.

Warnings; No, I suppose not. Upcoming Wesker x OC? Could be, who knows...  
Don't own RE, only own accidental OC. Capcom owns us all.

Thanks for reviewing. I'd type your names down, but I don't feel like it, I am sorry. I will again next time.

**... I did it! UNDER 3500 words! YAY! (The actual chapter, I mean.)**

**Enjoy... :)**

* * *

**June 07, 2004.**

**05:55  
**I woke up to the sound of rain again, so I suppose it's yet another day of staying inside. I'm not saying that I dislike rain, because that is not the case. I'm just saying I don't like to get wet on work days. It's annoying, as it means that when you reach the office, you have to...

Hey, it's 05:55, that means I can make a wish!  
I wish for a beautiful lady in my bed. Preferably one that's still asleep, since I do not like chatter this early in the morning.

**06:00  
**Once again I have to pee, and once again I do not feel like standing up.

**06:03  
**The rain really isn't helping.

**06:05  
**Or perhaps it is, since last time it took me quite a while to go to the bathroom, and my body was confused for a full day.

**06:10  
**Maybe I should write Capcom a letter again? Mental note to self; write Capcom a letter about Resident Evil, the Umbrella Chronicles. I don't like how they made me say 'it's brittle', since brittle is one of those words I really do not like. The same goes for Wookie, wallpaper and saliva.

**06:11  
**Fine, I'm getting up.

**06:14  
**I did my business, and now I'm a little cold. I suppose I might as well make some coffee and wake myself up completely, as I am aware of the fact that if I go back to bed, I will sleep for too long, and wake up to the sounds of my phone. I don't like waking up to the sounds of my phone, seeing as 'Stairway to Heaven' is set as my ringtone, and I cannot seem to change it back.

I'm Albert Wesker, the only stairway I will ever see is the one leading straight to hell. Or the one to Walhalla, if the Norwegians are right in this matter.

**06:17  
**Oh great, someone is already calling me. I wonder who on earth is stupid enough to call Wesker before seven in the morning. This better be an emergency.

Hnnn... 'There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to heaven'.

I wonder how much one of those stairways would cost? I would like to go to heaven, because I want to own a castle in the sky. I think it would fit me.

**06:19  
**"Sir, it's an emergency!"

Oh, okay, so Jack would be stupid enough... "What is it, Jack? It's too damn early, you should know better."

"My sister, sir! She just showed up on my doorstep, and she's really sad because her boyfriend left her for someone skinny!"

Jack has a sister? And I am supposed to care? I don't understand why he would call me just to tell me that. "Jack, I don't think this is something you should be discussing with me." I sneered.

"Can I take her to work? It'll make her feel better to be around other people... She's very upset."

I sighed, this is not how I wanted to spend my morning. "Fine, as long as she doesn't get in the way."

"Thank you sir, see you later!"

I hung up, as there were no more words I wanted to waste on a conversation like that. Jack totally messed with my quiet and peaceful morning, so I had every right to be rude to him and hang up without further notice.

How very annoying.

**06:54  
**I fed Mr. T half of my sandwich, but he didn't seem very pleased. I think he might not like bread... I do know he likes butter though, because a few days ago, I found Mr. T in my fridge, licking the butter. I still don't understand how he was able to get in there. Maybe he has some kind of psychic cat powers?

Best not to think about that...

**07:30  
**On my way to work. T is happily running along, hissing at everyone who passes us. For some reason people never come close to me when I bring T with me, so I am quite happy whenever he's around. It's just sad when someone does come too close, and I end up paying for their hospital bills.

Damn people these days always need stitches, even when it's just a scratch. Talk about overdramatic.

**07:34  
**I had to carry T for a while, because he refuses to walk around puddles. I always thought cats hated water until T came home, soaking wet, and made some puddles of his own inside my house. Perhaps he's not really a cat... I think he's a human being, or a demon, trapped inside a cats body. I think I should call an exorcist, just to see if some evil spirit escapes his tiny body.

**08:00  
**I have reached the office without any problems, which is quite the miracle. For some reason every day I go to work, something odd happens. Usually it's nothing serious, but having a normal day every once in a while isn't too bad. I wonder if Jack is here yet... I am getting a little curious as to what his sister is like.

She better not be too much like Jack, I don't think I can handle having two Krausers around. One is bad enough.

**08:12  
**I just saw HUNK do a backflip in the middle of the cafeteria. I don't think he was aware of my presence.  
I wonder what he's like when he's all alone, and there is no possibility of anyone seeing him. I think he would act insane like Jack always does. He just knows how to hide it properly.

**09:10  
**Reports, reports, reports. I have been reading reports for about an hour now, and I am getting really bored. I think I might need a break, just to get away from the piles of paper on my desk.  
I was just thinking... Since it's rather windy outside, I could just open my window, and all of the reports would be scattered across the room. That would give me a great excuse to take a break, and it would instantly give HUNK something useful to do too.

**09:14  
**Opened my window, but nothing happened. How lame.

**09:45  
**Drinking coffee while listening to Jack. He's talking about something boring, so every now and then my mind drifts off to better places. I wish I had a lady, so I could take her on a vacation, that sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

But where to to find a woman that will not nag for hours a day?

**11:11  
**Ah! 11:11... Now I can make a wish again.

I wish for a lovable lady to enter my life.

**11:12  
**You have got to be kidding me.

**11:39  
**Jack's sister is odd to say the least. She just sits around and stares into space, with the same expression on her face for several minutes in a row. I wonder if she has no muscles in her face?

**11:45  
**When Jack poked her, she scowled. I am positive that she does, after all, have muscles in her face.

**12:00  
**I feel like making conversation is in order. "Miss?"

Jack's sister looked up. Heh, she has the same eyes as Jack. "Yeah?"

"Do you have a name?"

She shook her head.

**12:15  
**I don't think I like her, she doesn't say anything, but is instead still staring into space. Perhaps she is high?

"Jack? Is she high?" I had to ask...

Krauser shrugged. "I don't think so... Hey Joanna, you high?" He poked his sister again.

"What?" The girl looked up.

"I asked if you're high."

"No, I'm not."

Jack turned to face me. "No, she's not high."

I nodded. "Fair enough."

**12:16  
**I still want to make conversation... So I figured I'd poke her too, just to see what would happen.

She shot me a glare. "Don't poke the penguin."

"What penguin?" I glared back, as that is what I always do. She didn't see it though, because I am always wearing my sunglasses. Unless I'm at home, anyway.

"No penguin, never mind..." Joanna, I do suppose that is her name, turned her gaze away again, and remained silent.

This is actually quite frustrating, as nobody ever ignores Albert Wesker. It is Wesker who does the ignoring, not those around him. Let that be a lesson...

I still think she's high, though.

**13:18  
**Back at the office after lunch with HUNK. He told me that he liked Jack's sister, because she doesn't speak, and that he loves quiet women, because he doesn't speak either.  
I then asked him to stop talking, just to prove his point, but he refused. I think there might be something wrong with HUNK, as he's being more and more social these days. I think I will ask the exorcist to take a look at him too.

**13:45  
**I could really use a vacation.

**14:01  
**I could really use a vacation.

**14:56  
**I can't stop thinking about going on a vacation.

**15:07  
**Vacation... Vacation... Vacation...

Albert Wesker is officially tired of his job, so I suppose it's time for him to get rid of The Organization forever, and start working for Tricell full-time. Perhaps they'll even pay for my vacation.

**16:00  
**On the phone with miss Gionne.

"Ah Albert, so you want the job?"

I hate it when she calls me Albert... "Yes, I do. Will I get time off to go on a vacation every once in a while?"

Excella giggled. "Of course you will, silly!"

I am not silly. "Hnnn, okay... I will break with the Organization this week, so I should be able to start working for Tricell within a month or two."

"That is lovely, we will be waiting for you..." Excella giggled again, oh how annoying. "Listen, two weeks from now we have a party here at Tricell, would you care to accompany me?"

No. "I'm afraid I won't be able to do that, as my time is limited. There is so much left to do, perhaps some other time."

"Okay!" Excella didn't sound upset, so perhaps she's not that interested after all. "Good luck with breaking with the Organization, and I hope you will be able to join us soon... Have a good day, Albert."

"Same to you, miss Gionne."

I hung up. I have got nothing important to do whatsoever, I just really want to go on a vacation first. Perhaps I shall visit Europe again, since my trip to the Netherlands a few months ago was pretty enjoyable.

**16:09  
**I'll ask Jack and HUNK to come along again, last time we had a lot of fun. I doubt we'll be getting high again, though... I don't want to risk seeing Jack in a leather skirt again. It was terrifying.

**16:31  
**"Soon, we will move." I was staring at Jack's sister, as it appeared she still had not moved. I was talking to Jack and HUNK though. "We will break with this pathetic excuse for an organization, and start working for you-know-who."

"For Capcom?" Jack asked confused.

I frowned. "Never say that name again."

"But..." Jack sighed. "I still need to write them another letter, as they never replied to my first one."

HUNK nodded. "Same here, but I have nothing else to complain about, since they always make me a mini-game character. I am not mini, I am HUNK!"

"Men, please, stay focused." Why is she still not moving? Best not to think about it, I suppose. "Listen, we will cross over to Tricell, and I want you two to come with me."

Jack muttered something under his breath. "Yeah, sure, I'll come along."

"Me too." HUNK stated clearly. "I want my own office."

"I just bit my tongue." Joanna suddenly spoke up.

I nodded at my employees. "I am happy you two are with me." Then I turned to the lady. "Eh miss, thank you for sharing that with us."

"No problem." The three in front of me replied in unison.

That was plainly disturbing.

**16:36  
**Joanna looks soft, I want to pet her. But not in the same way I always pet Mr. T.

**16:39  
**I wonder what would happen if I did, just to feel what it's like. Will she bite me like Mr. T sometimes does? Will she glare? Will she tell me to not pet the penguin?

I do like penguins, they look like little men, gathered for a meeting in some conference room. And then, rather than having their chauffeur drive them home, they just slide into the water on their bellies.

Penguins are quite sophisticated. I could've been one had I not been an infected human being with amazing powers and stunning looks.

**16:46  
**Maybe Jack would punch me. She appears to be younger than he is, and I bet Jack is one of those insanely protective brothers.

**17:00  
**"You might want to take a picture, it will last longer." Joanna muttered when she noticed me staring at her. Heh, she has a German accent, I am officially turned on.

"I am not carrying my camera at the moment." I replied casually. I glanced at Jack, who was eyeing me in a rather threatening way. I knew he was that kind of a big brother.

Joanna shrugged.

Jack and Joanna Krauser... I suppose the Krauser parents liked the letter J. If I ever have a child, I will name it Alfonso. Fonzie. I would make him wear leather jackets, too.

Hnnnn, it looks kind of ridiculous seeing that name black on white. Alfonso. No, perhaps Albert will do better. Well, whatever I will name my child, it won't be an Alfred.

**17:21  
**I just realized I spent an entire day doing practically nothing at all. I am slightly ashamed of myself, but I think I really do need a short vacation. It will do me good.

**17:29  
**I still want to pet Joanna.

**17:34  
**I wished for a woman, and a moment later, I saw her. Perhaps this is fate telling me I must ask Jack's sister out on a date. She did just get dumped, according to Jack. Perhaps that too was fate.

**17:39  
**Yeah right.

**17:44  
**Oh my, I just remembered I forgot to read my horoscope... I must grab HUNK's newspaper and check it out, just to be safe.

**17:49  
**Today, I should only eat blue food. I have already checked the internet several times, and I was never capable of finding food that was actually blue.  
It also says I will meet a new person, and that said person might need a hand. I think that's the stars' way of telling me I really should pet her.

**17:59  
**I stuck out my hand when Jack wasn't watching and quickly ran my hand over his sister's arm. She really is soft, I like it. I wonder if she's that soft everywhere.

I must make sure Jack never reads this, or I will be doomed. I don't fear a lot of people, but Jack is quite dangerous, and he too is infected with a virus, so I'm not quite sure who would win in a fight between the two of us.  
I think it would be me, but it is better to be safe than sorry.

Joanna is staring at me, it's a bit awkward. I shrugged at her as if to say 'it was an accident'. I hope she bought it.

**18:12  
**She's still staring.

**18:14  
**Mr. T entered the cafeteria, and you know what happened? Joanna got up from her chair, for what I think was the first time in several hours, and... She picked him up.  
She picked Mr. T up and carried him around, without getting hurt in the process. This is so odd, I don't know what to say.

Jack threw me a smirk. "Cats love her, nobody knows why."

I just nodded. This was perfect.

**18:21  
**Joanna was still petting Mr. T as she looked up to me. "This your cat? He's cute, does he have a name?"

"Mr. T." I stated shortly.

"Mr. T?" She snickered and picked him up again. "Mr. T, tell me, do you pity da fool who named you that?"

Mr. T just started purring again. I suppose he likes his name.

**18:30  
**Time to go home. "Miss, can I have my cat back? I must take my leave, and he can't stay here, he will destroy the place."

Joanna sighed and put him down. Put him down on the ground, she did not 'put him down'. Argh.

I smirked. This was my chance... But Jack... He was watching my every move. "Thank you." I put T on his leash and nodded at Jack. "Did you finish that report?"

"Yes."

"Could you go get it now? I want to read it tonight, I haven't done a lot of work today, so I might as well take some of it home." Jack had to leave, now.

"Fine." Jack shot his sister a questioning look and disappeared through the doors.

"Good... Now, miss Krauser, how about you join me for dinner tomorrow?"

Joanna frowned. "Yeah well, no."

"Why not?"

"You're too old for me, you're like... Ancient."

Ancient? Did she call me ancient? The nerve! "I am only fourty-four..."

"I am twenty-five." Joanna replied with a bored look on her face. "Also, Jack will never let me go, he's still pissed off at my previous boyfriend, who broke up with me only two days ago."

"So what does Jack do to people who hurt you?"

I heard a noise behind me. "I will slit their throats." Oh, so that noise was Jack. I really do think he is a bit too fast. "I heard that sir, and if I were you, I would let go of that very idea right now."

"How would having dinner hurt her?"

Krauser appeared in front of me. "I don't know sir, but ever since my parents kicked her out, I'm being extra careful."

"Why'd your parents kick you out, miss?" I really wanted to know.

Joanna shrugged. "I got a tattoo."

I frowned. "Really? Of what? A skull, or something?"

She shook her head. "No, of a giant arrow on my lower back, pointing at my butt, and above the arrow it reads 'Do not enter'."

... I have no words.

"In my defence, I had a very perverted boyfriend when I was eighteen."

Still, no words...

"Jack, can we go now? I want to watch a movie."

"Sure, sure." Krauser replied. "I'll see you guys later."

**19:00  
**On my way home, I think I am officially interested in Jack's sister. I must see that tattoo, no matter what it'll cost me. Perhaps tomorrow I will ask Jack if I can take her for dinner. And if he says no, I'll just threaten him a little. I doubt he will kill me without a clear warning, so I should be safe.

But, first things first... It is time to plan my vacation!

* * *

Will Wesker get laid? Where will he be going on his vacation? Why on earth is HUNK doing backflips in the cafeteria? And who exactly is that woman sitting two feet away from you?  
Find out next time, or the time after that.

Blabla, review. Blabla, flame... Assassin. Happiness. Cookies.

- FUNK


	4. Holy dang, an update!

I haven't updated this in months because I figured nobody likes it. Then I wrote a chapter weeks ago, and forgot to post it. I figured I'd just do so now, and see what happens.

Thanks for reviewing; **Ultimolu, riddlebox89, CarrieChaos, lopezanator, ChelseaGoAgain, LykNaoPlzKThxBai and Biohazardous Fears. =)**

Still don't own RE. Do own Joey, who is normally in Meine Freunde, but will be in here too, from now on. She works for Wesker and secretly loves HUNK. Hurray.

**ENJOY!**

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06:12  
There is nothing like waking up to the sound of a cat, meowing in front of the bedroom door. Mr. T has been a bit on the loud side lately, and I really wish there was a mute button on that animal, because it is getting out of control.

Perhaps it's time to have him castrated? I never really wanted to rid him from his masculinity, but he leaves me no choice. The first thing I will do today, after my morning ritual, is call the vet. I do hope the vet will have some time to help me out here, because if T wakes me up like this one more time, I might feel the need to do the castrating part myself. And that's just one of the very few things I am bound to fail at.

06:30  
Hnnnn… The day only just started, and I already want to go back to bed. I am starting to wonder whether this is because I am still tired, or because I really dislike my job these days. As I stated before, I think I need a vacation.

Perhaps this is the right time to ask Jack and HUNK to come along? It would be amusing to have them keep me company. At least I'll still have some people close to me to boss around every once in a while.

I do like bossing people around… It's one of the many things I am good at.

07:00  
Fed Mr. T and Odhinn. Odhinn, while he has the name of a God, is a much nicer cat than Mr. T. I can't know for sure, but I think the fact that T was named after both the T-virus and the wrestler is making him arrogant.

… Or was the T-virus named after Mr. T? I'm not quite sure anymore. I would ask Birkin, but he's been a bit on the dead side, so I doubt he'll be able to help me out there.

07:11  
I'm eating some fruit and reading the newspaper. There isn't anything interesting going on in the world, so I suppose I'll just skip to my horoscope. I do need to know what the stars have in store for me, or I might end up making the wrong decisions.

_Today is your lucky day! Everything you do, you will do well. Nobody will bother you, and there is a big chance that you will finally get your hands on that thing you've been craving for so long now!  
Tip: Don't spend all of your money at once, for something fun might come around by the end of the day!  
Food; Make sure you only eat red food today. An apple a day keeps the doctor away!  
Lucky number; 3417!  
Lucky word; Wookies!_

I hate wookies.

07:56  
Just took a shower. It amazes me how on certain days, I need more time to get ready than most women do. And I'm not half as vain as they all are, seeing as I look good no matter what I do anyway, so what's the use in spending hours in the bathroom?

08:15  
There is no use, let me tell you that.

08:19  
I can't find my sunglasses. I wonder what happened to them, seeing as I own about twelve pairs, and all of them have gone missing.  
I can't go out without my sunglasses. People will become suspicious, and ask me questions. I can't have that, seeing as everything I do and say is to be considered classified information.

… It is annoying how something trivial as losing my sunglasses is already making me ramble.

As I said; I need a vacation. Soon.

08:59  
Called the vet, who sounded a lot like someone I know, but I can't seem to figure out who. He also had a very familiar name, and though it rings a bell, the bell isn't ringing loud enough for me to remember.

Who again is Alfred Ashford?

09:18  
I really need to get to work, because if I don't, HUNK will start calling me again, and whenever he calls me, nothing logical comes out of the conversation.

I am still suspecting HUNK from being a bit different than he usually acts. Still waters run deep, or something. But in his case, it might be more shallow than most people think. I need to interrogate him someday… I like to know it all.

10:09  
Almost one hour has gone by, and I'm still in my house. Does nobody miss me yet?  
I have decided to stay at home until someone realizes 'Wesker's missing, let's call him'.

10:23  
It's taking quite a while.

10:36  
Yes, quite a while indeed.

11:00  
It appears I am not needed at work, so instead of showing my face there, I will just spend the day by doing nothing at all.  
You heard me; Even Wesker can be a lazy bastard.

11:05  
Mr. T is hissing at the curtains, I wonder what has gotten into that creature? I really think I should call an exorcist, for the spirit housing in that cat seems be getting crazier every day.  
But who would be able to perform such a task? I don't think I know anyone with that kind of powers. I only know Jack, who has an 'awesome power', myself, Steve, Alexia and…

Luis?

11:19  
Have decided to call Luis about Psychic Powers. I wonder if he can help me.

"Hello? Luis here." Luis answered the phone before it even started ringing. I think I might've found the right person to help me with Mr. T.

"Wesker here." I replied. "Listen Mr. Sera, my cat has gone insane… Can you help me?"

Luis remained silent for a minute. "Excuse me, who am I speaking to?"

"Wesker."

"Who?"

"Wesker… Albert Wesker."

"I don't know anyone named Albert." Luis stated clearly. "I know an Alberto, though. And an Alberta. Even Albequerque, but no Albert."

11:24  
Is it possible there are people who have never heard of me?  
How very… Annoying.

11:44  
Perhaps I should make an appearance on a talk show someday. All I'll have to do is threaten Oprah, and I'll be in within a matter of seconds. And if threatening her does not work, I can always take off my sunglasses, bat my eyelashes and strangle her on national television.

11:45  
That is, if I could find my sunglasses. Hmmmmm…

12:00  
It's noon… Nobody has called me about the fact that I did not show up at work. I can't help but wonder why, seeing as out of all people I know, I am the only one that can never be replaced.  
It's hard being Albert Wesker sometimes, let me tell you that.

12:03  
Or no, let me not. That would mean YOU are reading my journal again, and if I ever catch YOU doing so, I will make sure you meet the same fate as Alfred Ashford.  
Yes, that means YOU will become a vet too.

13:03  
I am going to visit Luis now. I'm sure that if he sees me, he will remember who I am, and eventually help me get rid of the evil spirit that is housing in my cat.  
I'll also ask him to take a look at HUNK. It might do HUNK good. After all, I can't have my only sane employee go down the same path as Jack. That would be a disaster.

14:09  
Standing in front of Luis' house. He's got a nice house for a man that got impaled by Saddler. Then again, I also own a nice house, and I got impaled by a tyrant.

… Does that make us Impalement Buddies? We should form a club.

14:17  
I am trying to figure out who else I know that got impaled, but I can't think of anyone… Ada almost did, but that didn't count. The same goes for that Leon… There's even a quote stating Leon never really got impaled; "Where is the satisfying sound of ones impalement?"

Salazar said that. That midget, though tiny and slightly on the insane side, would've made a nice employee.

14:23  
"What the hell, amigo? Why are you standing in front of my house? Are you plotting something? My psychic powers tell me you are up to no good!"

It appears I got lost in thoughts, seeing as I spent a good fifteen minutes standing around Luis' house.

"Well? Hey, I know you! You're that man!"

I am glad Luis' eyes still work. "I am Wesker."

"Oh yeah! You wear your sunglasses at night! What is it, amigo? Want some Spanish lovin'?"

Tempting…

14:31  
I'm not gay.

14:45  
I thought… Never mind what I said…

15:00  
Luis just told me he is willing to help me out with both Mr. T and HUNK, but only if I offer him a job. He also asked me if there were any pretty ladies where I work right now. Well, apart from the times Jack gets drunk and puts on a dress, the ladies are fairly hard to find.

Then again, we will be starting to work for Tricell soon, so perhaps we'll be more in luck there than we are with the Organization.

I gave him a job just because I know he is a brilliant researcher. But I do think he might come in handy at other times as well. Luis seems to have a way with words, so I suppose he'll make a nice addition to my team. Now all I need is a woman, and my team will be indestructible.

… Funny, I spelled something wrong and my computer corrected me. Damn technology, how dare you disagree with the way Albert Wesker spells his words?

15:31  
I am about to call HUNK about his… Exorcism. I wonder what he'll think about it.

"Yeah, HUNK here."

"Mr. Never Killed, lately I have been a bit worried about you…" I frowned. That's kind of a strange sentence coming from Albert Wesker.

"Why's that?"

"You have been acting slightly odd…" I stated slowly. "I was thinking… Perhaps you've been… Ill?"

"No, I don't think so… Also, you're the one who's always showing up late, not finishing reports and generally tired. I think you're the one that might be sick, sir."

I shook my head, even though I know nobody can actually see that over the phone. Well, when you don't have a camera phone anyway. "I'm not sick, I just need a vacation… You, however… I have seen you dance during lunch break, do back flips in the cafeteria and smirk when nobody is watching. What is going on?"

HUNK remained silent. I think he might be confused, because he always does those things when he thinks nobody else is around. "How come you were able see me, even though nobody was watching?"

… Even I don't have a clever reply to that.

"Sir?"

"Listen, if you do not tell me what is going on, I will bring a friend over to perform an exorcism on you…"

HUNK snickered. "I'm not possessed!"

"I think it would do you good either way."

"Do whatever you please, sir." And with those words, the man hung up on me. As always. Yet… Why did he not ask me why I wasn't at work today?

16:50  
I just took Luis to HUNK's house, just so he could take a look at my formerly very sane employee, and that's when I realized it.

In the past few weeks, a young woman has been wandering around. She's not officially an employee, but she does, every once in a while, fix my weapons. She's the merchant's daughter, and we met her during a very useless mission we went on a month ago. During that mission, Mr. Never Killed got to work with her, and though it appears he would never admit it, he seemed to like her.

Perhaps… he might be… in love?

How odd.

16:54  
I made an attempt to get on the phone with that girl, Joey, but she didn't answer. Her father answered instead, and after asking me 'what're ya buying' three times in a row, I figured I'd hang up on him. I am not in the mood to buy anything today. Perhaps some other time.

17:00  
Luis is staring at HUNK, HUNK is staring at me, and I am staring at HUNK's dog, which is quite a bit on the large side.

Well, at least it's a dog and not a ferret.

"Hey HUNK, what's his name?" I pointed at the dog.

"DUNK."

I nodded. I could've guessed that myself, even without psychic powers. "Can he do tricks?"

HUNK shook his head. "No."

"Does he eat your gloves?" I had to ask, because Mr. T enjoys eating my gloves.

HUNK shook his head again. "No, but he tends to wear my helmet though."

How odd.

17:23  
Luis is still staring at HUNK. Either he wants to bed him, or he's trying to make his head explode, but it seems like that Spaniard is up to no good.

I'm starting to get a headache.

17:27  
Jack's here. As is Joey, who probably hid in the back of Jack's car, just to get a glimpse of the silent object of her affections.

"Hello!" Jack cheered as he entered the living room. "Guess what!"

I shrugged.

"I won a trip to… some really cold country!"

"No you didn't, I won that trip… Damn strangah." Joey muttered from behind Jack. "I won a trip to Scandinavia."

"I told you to enter the contest, so technically, I won!" Jack argued with her.

"I solved the puzzle."

"I let you use my computer!"

"I e-mailed them…"

"With my computer!"

"Shut up, soldier boy."

Joey's vocabulary appears to be increasing.

18:01  
Okay, so Jack and Joey won a trip to Scandinavia, for four people. If you hide someone in your suitcase, it would be for five people. At the moment, HUNK is looking confused, Jack is looking very Jack, Joey is staring at DUNK and I…

I want to go on that trip.

I just wish Luis would stop looking at HUNK, it is getting on my nerves.

18:09  
It appears Jack is planning on staying. I really need to get home, but first I must make sure I'll be going to Scandinavia too.

I scratched my throat. "I'm coming too."

"Coming where?" Jack asked. He smirked while he placed his beret on the dog's head. "That's one weird animal."

"I thought…" Joey started a sentence, but never finished it. "Hmmmm…"

"I want to go to Scandinavia. I need a vacation so badly, it's not even funny anymore." I frowned and sighed. "I'm always tired, while I do practically nothing at all. I need a change."

"Change is the key to a better life…" Luis suddenly spoke up. "Also, I think I know his problem…" He stated while pointing at HUNK.

"I don't have a problem." HUNK, seeming sane as ever, sounded a bit annoyed. "Stop telling me there's something wrong with me, I am fine."

"The man, he is…" Luis appeared to think for a moment. "He either has indigestion, the flu, or he's in love."

"Mr. Never Killed, does any of that ring a bell?"

HUNK shrugged. "I might be getting the flu, I've been feeling hot for several minutes now."

Joey giggled. "Don't worry strangah, you're always hot."

"Oh hell…"

Well, life is getting stranger by the minute. I really need to secure my place on the journey to the Continent of Vikings, and get the hell out of here. "Can I come to Scandinavia? I can assure you I will leave the moose alone, and I'll try not to let my hair grow."

Jack shrugged. "Fine by me."

Joey nodded. "Sure, sure… If you start paying me for the work I do."

"Why not…"

"Then welcome aboard!" Jack cheered and tried to hug me, but I was able to defend myself. "We'll have so much fun!"

"Who else is going?" Joey asked, her eyes fixated on DUNK the dog again. "There's only three of us now… We need a fourth."

"Perhaps Mr. Never Killed would enjoy a vacation… He's falling ill, so I bet he can use some snow to brighten up his days." I glanced at HUNK, who was staring at Joey's ass now. "It'll do him good."

"What about the company?"

"It's dead." I shrugged. "We'll be working for Tricell soon enough, so I suppose… it doesn't matter what we do anymore. Best to take some time off before we start to mingle with people like Ricardo Irving."

"I like Irving!" Joey said with a smile. "He's very… attractive in a disturbing way."

Jack snickered. "Like me!"

I quickly shook my head and stood up. "Eh miss Merchant, I think it might be better to stick to one man, or else you'll end up in a lot of trouble." I nodded at Luis. "Mr. Sera, let's go."

Joey grunted. "That One Man isn't interested, so I'll have to keep looking." She glanced at HUNK who was trying to grab his helmet back from his dog. "At least Irving seems a bit crazy, and it appears I don't go well with sane people anyway."

Awww… I feel bad for her. Trying to crack someone like HUNK is pretty hard. But perhaps a Viking-filled vacation will loosen him up a little.

I hope so anyway.

19:39  
I am insanely tired, and this headache is only getting worse. I think it's time to say goodnight, and hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Too bad my horoscope wasn't right. Or perhaps it was… I did get my vacation. Now all we need to do is make it a success.

Good night.

02:15  
Oh yeah… Why did nobody call me about my absence today?

Hmpf.

* * *

Blah. I'm tired too. And have a headache. Poor Wesker, being so lazy and almost down. Who knows, maybe he'll find happiness next time!

I hope you liked it after all… If you did, leave a comment. If you didn't, I'm sorry, maybe this ain't the story for you.

Have a good week. =)

**FUNK.**


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